by Nici Holt Cline
I sit on my couch to write. My kids are in their bunk beds, finally down for naps and I have my time, two feet away, on the other side of a temporary wall we built last weekend.
We readied for a walk. Margot wanted to wear her princess costume with tights. No, with socks and leggings. But not those socks. Or those. One orange and one red, one dirty and one clean. Leggings over the top. Socks first and then leggings. Boots were fine as long as she could carry her princess shoes in a bag. And some babies to keep the shoes company. A hat. Where is the green one? It’s the only one that fits just right over her veil. And she’d like to push the shopping cart. Which will need to hold more babies. Maybe she’d like to wear tights after all?
Mommy? (giggles giggles giggles) Ruby is climbing up into the top bunk again. Hi baby sister!
Girls, please. I need some time without interruption. And you need some down time.
I get up and place Ruby on the bottom bunk. I sing Oh Mister Moon twice.
Ruby wanted to ride in the stroller. In the bottom part that she can’t ride in unless there is a kid in the top part. She gave in to the top ride and didn’t want to be buckled. She wanted to ride backwards, arching her back so she could see the world upside down. She needed two babies, one tucked under each arm.
I fielded question after question. Request after request. I felt a fist tightening in my shoulder. Things I normally find endearing were like fingernails on a chalkboard. Or a woodpecker tapping my temple.
Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mom?
Can I have a playdate with Phoebe when rest time is over?
Ruby is climbing up here again!
We finally got off on our walk and settled into a slow, meandering pace, dictated by the spontaneous discoveries of my kids. I had my camera and took photos of *this moment*, wondering if my memory would be getting out with my kids and dog on a beautiful day: Ruby with her sweetly chatty observations and excitement, Margot confidently dressed in bride regalia, pushing a shopping cart full of babies.
Mommy? Mom? My arm hurts really bad. When I push right here but I can’t see anything.
Or if my memory will be of my inability to parent my children in the way that feels best. My irritation made me vulnerable to everything being irritating. I faked patience. I used a high, sing-songy voice, feigning engagement, craving engagement. Oh yeah look at that! I said barely noticing what it was I was to look at.
Hey, mama? My body is telling me I am all done resting. Can we play now?
Ruby is awake. I feel defeated.
we ditched the cart on the side of the road
About halfway through the walk, something shifted and we had fun for a bit. Stomping on the slushy snow, watching geese through a crack in the fence. And then Margot whined, I just want to go home. Now. Ruby fell and got snow up her sleeve. Part of me wanted to push on, to turn our shit storm around but, instead, I gave into the grumpy, agitated, surliness of the experience. Like we were on a vision quest and discovered what we needed was not a walk together, but a walk apart. We headed home.
Ruby is now buckled in her car seat in the car just outside our door. I get up every few minutes to check on her. She is asleep. Margot is reading.
Living in our 400 square foot apartment has so many advantages and, honestly, I’ve really enjoyed it so far: limited stuff, managing our space, concentrated family time. And the challenges are real and exactly the same as the advantages: limited stuff, managing our space, concentrated family time.
Andy just got home from skiing and he and Margot are going to hike up the hill behind our house. Ruby is awake and back inside, snuggling next to me. I am frustrated, wanting to write but I stop to hold my girl.
I’ve never been a person who much needed to ask for defined personal space because, until now, it was built into my life. I could, at the very least, walk into another room. I really like being around my kids all the time and, in our new living situation, I realize part of liking it (and my daughters enjoying it too) is having space to experience each other. We need opportunities to do things without an audience, we need autonomy. We especially need it when our circumstance places us no more than 10 feet away from each other at all times. I am thankful for that funky walk with my kids, where all our idiosyncrasies and needs collided. The collision sparked clarity.
Margot peeks her rosy face in from outside.
Mama! Want watch me ski down the hill?
There’s nothing I’d rather do.
And then I am going to step into another “room” for a bit.
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A fourth generation Montanan raising a fifth, Nici Holt Cline is a mama to Margot and Ruby, wife, gardener, crafter and runner who loves to write and take photos. She writes regularly on her popular blog dig this chick. You can read “Mama Digs” every Monday exclusively at www.mamalode.com. Read more of Nici’s mamalode articles here.
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Um, I can’t wait to play in your *other room.* Looks pretty perfect. I’d imagine your small space is like living on a sailboat, and it’s great you have an ocean of snow to play in when it gets a bit cramped. I wonder if when you fall into the new, huge space of your home in six months if all that space will feel lonesome?
Loved how you captured the feeling of needing to duck into a room of your own, but managed to find peace while together.
why aren’t you my neighbor? if you were, I’d say: send the girls over for a bit, we’ll play fairies and legos and read books and then go on a walk, them together, us mamas nearby, but apart.
Wouldn’t that be lovely? Some day we will meet and do that very thing. I can see it.
Your comment reminds me to take advantage of the amazing neighbors we do have!
“Craving engagement” OH yes. You nailed that. My mommy guilt rages when intellectually I want to be 100% engaged, but find myself feigning because I’m maxed somewhere else. Never thought of it like that, but it is so, so true.
You nail some of the challenges of stay-at-home moms right on the head. It’s not *just* the 400 square feet. I love being engaged with my kids, and feel like a real turd when I’m not. Um, like right now : )
I would say you nailed one of the challenges of being a mother in general, stay at home or not. This week was a doosy for me too, good to hear I was not alone.
I enjoyed reading this Nici. I went through that when we were expanding to the basement and my three were young. Tight, cramped space. Lovely yet annoying!
And then on our family Christmas trip…in the car. Even small space, 14 hours straight. Bigger kids, louder mouths, and very determined personalities. Lovely, yet annoying.
:O)
Jen
Love this post.
My Phil and Ted is dying a slow death though…timely as now the boys rarely use it.
Okay, think alternative space. Build a playhouse, or a fort, put up a tent, get a yurt. Especially once it starts warming up. Thinking of your gardening – - how about a potting shed with your do-dads and gee-gaws for gardening that you can retreat to? And if you hadn’t got to it already, attach a chicken coop. I took over part of our 1 1/2 car garage for a stained glass workshop, and with a radio and good heater it is a great “get-a-way” place.
My girl (now 27) had a fort I could see her in just outside my kitchen window. It had a very big door, and 3 very big windows so I could see what was going on. She got to paint it herself. I just took some scrap T-111 and knocked it together myself. It wasn’t fancy. Then we put some old cut-down plastic shower curtains on elastic string, tied a loop in the ends, and put the loops over screws in the wood above the windows. Rain/snow/water proof. She could hose down the playhouse whenever it got dusty & curtains didn’t get trashed. Lotsa laughs in that operation. Who wouldn’t want to turn the hose on to their house somedays?
Thanks for the great ideas!
Oh… and check CraigsList etc for supplies for those types of things.
I used to rejoice when I could you and your brother to nap for 2 hours at the same time…..now that you are both grown and on your own I have all my cherished memories of the times you did not nap for 2 hours at the same time!
Love you!
ps…You know I am your #1 fan…Bummed my first comment didn’t show….I must have not posted correctly.