By Jennifer Slayden
When I was a new mom, I played into the false proverb that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” I would watch other mothers who seemed to have it all together and would feel desperately inadequate. I truly believed for a while that these women had some sort of secret manual that I was not privy to. I was the mom in the grocery store whose kids were wearing mismatched clothing because it wasn’t worth the fight – or throwing tantrums because they were tired, or hungry, or sick, or sick of each other. I shielded my eyes from the perceived judgmental glare of others, but the jabs effected my delicate state of mind.
Our home was part of this storyline. It was old, run down, and a “starter” home. When friends would visit there was always a wall torn down or being built and sawdust around the remodeling site. I thought that our happiness would be measured in beauty, in perfection, and in green grass. I paid close attention in those early days, before my grey hairs sprouted to give me wisdom, of all the things that were not perfect with my life. Perhaps moving would make life better. Perhaps more money, more activities for the children, a housekeeper, more friends…..a new and sporty mini van?
My life took a tailspin and I crumbled. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Through the tedious work of going through the emotional waste, composting the good stuff and throwing out the bad I came through richer in spirit and better grounded than ever before. I recognized in the nick of time, before my children hit the tween stage, that my life doesn’t happen in the green grass. My life happens in the raw dirt, the weeds, the flowers, the change in seasons and the brilliant moments when I make a conscious choice to be grateful for what I have, who I am, and who I am not.
I am in a place now that makes my heart sing. Our trusty house is still that old house. We have torn up most of the grass to plant gardens. My children have spent their entire lives here and we have been blessed with wonderful neighbors. On Earth Day I took the three kids and the dog up the mountain, where my oldest has been working on building hiking trails. When we reached the fork in an old logging trail we were greeted by the sound and sight of over one hundred elk we had scared. The moment was one I will never forget, nor will I forget the reaction of the kids. I was humbled by the experience and I believe they were too.
This last week I spend time pouring through multiple applications for my neighbor to find new renters for their house. The stories I heard broke my heart. People are desperate. Life is hard, gas prices are rising, work and housing are hard to find. However, a few of them whom I met and talked to during the process struck me as searching for a life they wouldn’t find here. Were they looking for the elusive green grass?
Our backyard: a wonderland….without grass. My life as a mom: unbelievably messy, crazy, loud, unpredictable and gloriously full of wonder…with the realization that over the fence sits a lot of work to maintain the image that is not me.
Grounded through dirt and gratitude on my side of the fence.....
Parents: What do you do to focus on the positive within your home and heart? I would love to hear your comments and discussions here at the Den.
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We all wish we were perfect, because life would be so much easier. But when I really think about it, if I was perfect, I wouldn’t have any of my crazy stories about stupid things I’ve done. Those stories make people laugh, and making people laugh is one of my favorite things to do. Being perfect is boring…everything would be too right all the time!
Another beautiful post, Jen. Can’t wait for your next!
Kayla,
You are so right about perfect being boring. It just took me a lot of years to figure that one out. I too, love to laugh and continue to collect stories at my expense…they seem to be numerous!
Here to imperfection, laughter, and gratitude:)
Thanks for sharing….
Jen
B-E-A-U-tiful! “Life doesn’t happen in the green grass. (It) happens in the the raw dirt, the weeds, the flowers, the change in seasons and the brilliant moments when I make a conscious choice to be grateful for what I have, who I am, and who I am not.” Wow. I’ll carry these words with me. Thank you!
Jennifer,
Being grateful is such an easy thing to say and such a HABIT that takes practice. I have to carry these words with me as well, to continue to not slip back into negative habits and remind myself how very amazing and beautiful life is, and how much fun it is to play in the dirt:)
Love,
Jen
You have outdone yourself, again. I work and struggle with this too. Greener grass, less weeds, more flowers–I remember when my children were young, they picked the weeds for me and gave them as gifts. Beauty is in the eye of a child, to whom everything is beautiful…a teenager, on the other hand, is a whole other story!
I love the story about picking weeds! I remember doing that myself as a kid. How easy we forget when we become adults, huh?
Now teenagers? Well, that one is to be saved for another post. But my sense is that we can find beauty in at least a few common interests. At least I can dream!
Love,
Jen
Dear Jen,
Beauty is in IMPROVISING!! I think that if we valued creativity more than mowed/edged lawns, we would all flourish!
I am so grateful to know you, and appreciate your honesty and kindness……two other necessities for a life well lived…..
blessings
Beth
Beth,
Thank you for this. I love this addition of the improvisation. If I live the rest of my life with that attitude I surely WILL flourish, and so will everyone around me!
I have to admit our back yard is one eclectic, re-purposed, hodgepodge of land. Now to grow some green thumbs:)
Love,
Jen
Jen,
This piece is just beautiful, thank you for sharing this. It certainly gave me pause and perspective and appreciation for the here and now. ~ally
Thank you Ally. We all need that reminder of the here and now every so often. My life seems to have been going deeper and deeper into the space of reflection. I guess that makes me feel thankful for aging too:) Every day my garden of gratitude grows more and more.
I appreciate your support and comment!
Love,
Jen
It’s about the “what-ifs” for me. What if I had a bigger house, nicer car, cleaner floor, skinnier waist…would I be happier? Probably not. That is why having kids really changes your perspective on things. I freaked out once when my husband filled up his tank and paid 3 cents more per gallon than I thought he should have. But that very same evening I found myself spending almost $20 at the drugstore to buy my little girl medicine and juice when she suddenly got sick. An extra 45 cents on gas- not important. Helping my daughter feel better- very important. Moms define wealth in a whole new way.
“Moms define wealth in a whole new way.” SO true, Melissa.
The what-ifs got me too. I have found a trick to deal with them now. I make them into outrageous POSITIVE what-if’s. It turns into some crazy weird story most the time, but then I laugh and lighten up.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
This is one of my favorites Jen! Beautiful.
It’s always good to remember that we never know the whole story – what goes on in the greener yards so to speak. What they appear to have may not even be close to what we’re searcing for.
So we find a way to be content with what we’re given….the beauty in our own yards among the weeds. There will always be days that it seems everyone else has it a little easier. That their lives are just a little bit better.
But in the end, we should be grateful for the streaks of sunshine through the clouds. Each season of new growth. Those seasons are far too limited.
xoxo
a
Oh Ang, I can always count on you for wise words! Thank you.
One thing that you say here is SO important….that “what they appear to have may not even be close to what we’re searching for.” The APPEAR sticks out to me, as sometimes it is so easy to hone in on appearances when the story line is so different. And then “what we’re searching for.” For me, I didn’t KNOW what I was searching for. I pretended to know, I thought I knew, but it was all false happiness.
Those rays of sunshine…I’ll take them!!
xo
Jen
This is a beautiful piece and beautifully written. Having younger kids than you, I really appreciate your perspective and wisdom. It helps me live in the present with my girls! Thank you.
Sarah,
Thank you. All us moms need each others perspectives to help us learn and grow. I have several who have children older than me that I look up to so very much, and gleen advise from.
I also am equally inspired by young mothers who have begun talking about tough issues and support each other in ways that were not available to me when my children were small. It is a good change. No mom should have to feel alone, or inadequate, or judged. Our work is hard!
Love,
Jen
Oh yes. Greener grass. This reminded me of a story my old next-door-neighbor in Seattle told us. She worked at a high school, and on her way home, she’d sometimes take a lovely drive along Lake Washington. There was a particular house there that she always thought, “The people who live in that house must really be content. It’s such a beautiful place to be. I wish I could live right there. *sigh*”
Then, one day she got home from work, turned on the news, and there was that house. Kurt Cobain’s body had been found in front of it.
Perspective in bushels that night.
I wish we could be your neighbors. Community. That’s what we’re seeking. Community and space, in a place that doesn’t deem composting and chicken raising criminal behavior. oy.
WOW Zoe. What a story. I completely remember that breaking news too, because I loved his music. What a moral to that story!
Community…so great. I love that I have space, have a compost pile, and HOPEFULLY chickens soon. I’m sorry you don’t, and that it isn’t “acceptable.” I hope someday you will find that community. Geesh! Oy is right.
Well, Jen, interestingly enough, we’re packing ourselves and our grandson into an RV next Wednesday and heading to Missoula. We’ve visited the last 2 summers, and are completely smitten. It is the place we feel like we can breathe.
Our daughter is coming from California to take our grandson home with her for a bit, see if she’s really ready (she’s just turned 21, he’ll be 5 on the 14th). So, I think, soon we’ll have that community.
Hope to meet you IRL!!
Peace.
SO cool. Wow. Sent you an email…..
You are perfectly poignant! I still struggle with the grass is greener epidemic. It is a killer. Why can’t I keep my house cleaner? Why can’t I make dinner every night and have it on the table at 6? Why do my kids struggle with (fill in any dilemna here)? Why can’t I run a perfectly tight ship like …? Why do I have so many bills? I am trying every day to be happy where I am and I have found that narrowing my view down to my house and my family helps a ton. What do I really want to make me happy now? Tonight it was making chocolate chip cookies for the boys. Sunday it was a long walk along the Madison River, by myself with the dog…
Hi Heather,
Narrowing your view down…sounds like a great great start. You ARE doing all the right things. Cookies with the kids? Walk along the river with the dog, honoring yourself? That’s where the life is. That’s where you get to let go of the epidemic. Simple and small….just a lot of work to make habitual.
You voice what so many mothers have felt (including me for a LONG time.) It takes being gentle with myself and living in the moment to really FEEL that gratitude.
Enjoy your walk on Sunday!! I’ll be thinking of you and remembering the times I spent on the Madison when we were in high school!
Love,
Jen
Your children are a caricature of your garden. Sometimes they sprout weeds that need to be dug out and at other times break out the plot and try to go in a different direction. But with care and nurturing, they have an outward beauty and inner spirit that reflects the care of their gardening parents. Enjoy the blossoms.
Thanks dad. I know you were (and still are) a master gardener. I learn alot from you! Thanks for putting up with all the times I broke out of the plot and sprouted weeds!
Love,
Jenny
Jen,
What wonderful, wonderful pictures!
And as I read this – I think of our own garden – and my father, who, several years ago, brought us some rhubarb to plant…with the assurance that “rhubarb will grow anywhere”. Guess what?? We proved him wrong!!!
Which, this also reminds me…sometimes it can seem like we don’t have what “everyone else has”. In those moments, we really try to focus on the experiences we’ve had together as a family. Some of our very best moments are those where we’ve been out, together, exploring our world (both near and far). And that’s what has brought us even closer as a family…
Love to you,
Lance
Lance,
I am laughing about the rhubarb! My father gave us our first crop too. We have neglected it, but it still comes back. Perhaps we have just gotten lucky!
I love your insight about focusing your thoughts on experiences together as a family. These really ARE the best moments. That day we were up on the mountain didn’t cost us a penny and we shared a special moment that uniquely ours….
Thanks for being here. I always value your perspective!!
Love,
Jen
Wow, you could be speaking about the average mom here, and I know when I read this, it sounded as if you were writing of my life! What a beautiful post! I know this will speak to women everywhere, it’s splendid!
(lol, splendid? I’m watching the royal wedding, that must be it! ha ha)
Oh girl,
The royalty is seeping into your language:) Lol!
Thanks for the nice comment, Sheila. What I strive for….truth. As hard as it is to sometimes to be the one “fessing up” about the issues of depression/anxiety/feelings of self-worth that can accompany the great joys of parenthood, it is so important for me to reach out to moms who have had similar feelings and let them know they are not alone!
Hope you have a SPLENDID weekend:)
Jen
Love this article. Perfect for Mother’s Day, too. We all go through those feeling inadequate as a new mother. Little did we realize that every new mother feels that way. (And older mother sometimes too) What a wonderful life you’ve all made for yourselves, doing what you love and raising responsible, grateful children. Bravo!!
Thank you Betsy!
And Happy Mother’s Day, early, to one of the most “zen” mama’s I know!
xo
What a wonderfully written article. You should be proud. It is touching, real and truly wonderful.
Thank you for your honest reflection of life.
Thank you Heidi. It has been a long road.I felt this was so important to share, because so many moms struggle.
Thank you for making me realize I made the right choice!
Jen
Jen,
Do you know what a great writer you are??? I came over from your blog and love this. What wisdom you share!
Tess,
Talk about a lady with wisdom…..you have inspired me with your honest and wise words so many times.
I thank you so much for your support!
Jen