By Jennifer Savage
I’ve got that old feeling.
The one that comes from very little sleep.
I pulled myself out of bed yesterday morning, my bones heavy with fatigue and started on the to-do list I’d been writing in my head for the past few hours.
Check temperatures. Lucille had Tylenol last, Eliza Advil.
Give medicine.
Shower?
Call preschool, tell them we won’t be there for the first day.
Call friend who was to take care of Lucille.
Go to doctor.
It all started around 2:30 a.m. “My throat hurts when I drink mama,” Eliza said standing at the bottom of the stairs. She was shivering and she had a temperature of 103. Advil.
By 4:30 a.m. Lucille had made her way to my side of the bed. “I wanna lay witch you mama,” she said. She was hot to the touch. Temperature: 102.8. Tylenol.
They tossed, turned and finally fell asleep, sweating out their fevers. When I woke up at 7:15 a.m. they were sprawled across our bed (Seth retreated hours before to Lucille’s bed). I took their temperatures while they slept. Eliza was cycling up, Lucille down. Or was it the other way around? I wiggled out of bed. Eliza was awake but didn’t move, which I knew meant she felt pretty bad.
I worked my way down my mental list and finally broke it to Eliza that she’d have to miss her first day of preschool this year.
“It’s okay mama,” she said. “I’ll go tomorrow. I don’t feel like going to school.”
There was no whining, no complaining. Just cold juice in metal cups, coffee, jammies off, clothes on and a silent agreement among the three of us that, yes, we should go to the doctor.
When we arrived, my favorite doctor was there, the one I like to think saved my life. She told me once, “I think you have meningitis. Go to the hospital. Go now.” I did as she said. She was right.
Yesterday morning, she called us back, took vitals and looked in Eliza’s mouth.
“That is strep,” she said. “We’ll swab just to make sure but that’s what it is.”
She moved on to Lucille who opened her mouth without fuss. “Oh, and you are only about a day behind your sister,” she said. “She’s got it too.”
As she looked my little girls over I knew they were in good hands. The doctor called in antibiotics as I sipped my coffee and tried to keep Lucille from turning on and off again the exam table, the lamp beside it.
Watching them, I couldn’t help but think that I spent years of my life feeling this tired, this depleted.
Eliza wasn’t a sleeper and by the time she was only waking a few times a night we’d had Lucille and it felt as though we were up all night, every night. I remember dreading going to bed because I never knew what would come. And often, it was just a rough and tumble ride from midnight to 6 a.m. when I’d gladly get out of bed just to get off the sleep-wake cycle. I spent my days in a fog, on a steady stream of caffeine. I didn’t eat well and ran on raw adrenaline until I didn’t have anything left.
Now, most nights, I sleep. I don’t walk through my days stone-cold exhausted. Having a little distance from all those sleepless nights makes me realize just how intense our lives were for a few years. This realization helped me put into perspective two kids with strep throat. Medicine, popsicles. We will sleep again.
But the feeling of exhaustion was so familiar yesterday morning that it was tempting to move through the day like I had so many other days, poorly fed and at capacity. It was tempting to slip into that comfortable place of neglecting what I needed in the wake of a crisis.
Then I did a mental check of a different kind. They are being taken care of, I thought. What do you need? Did you eat this morning? Drink water? I had only had coffee.
After a spin around Target, two doses of antibiotics and the saving grace of a Dora the Explorer DVD, I sat down to a meal that I made just for me. I took my vitamins. I drank a lot of water. I quickly moved myself up from the bottom of the list.
Today, I turn 35. Hopefully I’ll arrive squarely in my mid-thirties with some amount of grace. And, I like to think I’m learning a few things the older I get.
Jennifer Savage is a writer and mama of Eliza and Lucille. Lately, she's learning to be a city girl. She writes from her home in Missoula, Montana. She is also one of Mamalode's favorite writers and you can fall in love with her too at Jennifer-Savage.com Read more of Jennifer's mamalode articles here.
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Wow, that could not be more relevant! Thank you so much for that perspective. I was up all night with my 9mo and his 102 temp. I haven’t slept through the night since he was born, and I turn 35 this month. My first child was a great sleeper, but those days seem so far off with my second. Thanks for reminding me to take care of myself! I made myself some breakfast and read your piece. Very therapeutic.
Thanks and best wishes,
Nancy de Pastino
You are one good mama!
Happy birthday, dear J-Sav!
I can’t wait to see you!!!!
Love, Bexxxx
Your writing is so personal and down-to-earth, thank you for the much needed lift today (after a sleepless night with our 17 mo & 3 yr old).
[...] Check temperatures. Lucille had Tylenol last, Eliza Advil. Give medicine. Shower? Call preschool, tell them we won’t be there for the first day. Call friend who was to take care of Lucille. Go to doctor. Read More » [...]