By Elke Govertsen
The real pitfall of motherhood is not the lack of sleep. It isn’t the under-appreciation, nor the mess. No, the trap door is other moms. Not all of them, mind you, but the ones who seem to think of this phase in life as a knock down, drag out competition really know how to sucker punch a fellow contender.
Me, I am a total light weight. I already feel insecure enough about this childrearing business, so when someone suggests that they are doing it better I default to complete guilt—“I knew it, you’re right, wow, she really gives herself a time-out and the flosses?”
I have a quote on my refrigerator that I paraphrase to myself, chant-like, during the harder parts of my day. The actual quote by Jill Churchill is as follows, “The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” The mantra in my head goes a little more like this, “Good one, good one” because sometimes it is hard enough to remember to praise yourself, never mind memorizing quotes.
Now if you are one of those super-moms who feeds your kids homemade baby food at exactly noon every day, then by all means, you have my utmost respect. And respect is the most important skill to impart on these kiddos of ours. If they can grow up to value not only their heroes, but their neighbors, and even enemies, then we parents have done a good job. Even better, if they respect themselves we all will thrive. The best way for us to teach them is to start respecting each other. Competitive mothering does nothing but teach children scorn, and though they may be well fed, well read and good at going to bed, they just might be judgmental little brats and we will have failed, despite our best efforts.
My children are far from perfect and to tell the truth, I like them that way. It is a much harder task to like myself, so back off you bullies, whose side are you on anyway? No one but another mother can understand the work it takes every day, so rather than competing we ought to be commiserating and encouraging each other. So drop the elbows, forget the barbs, and lend a hand, an ear, or an aspirin. This is no boxing ring we are in, but rather a circus ring and we are each simultaneously the ringmaster, clown, lion tamer, and audience. Let’s enjoy the show together.
Elke Govertsen thinks her boys are spectacular people. She likes to read, collect obscure Norwegian enamelware and after much flirtation, is finally falling in love with yoga. She is married to a big old hunk of sweetness named Pauly who has messy hair and always gets up with the kids at night. She is also the publisher of Mamalode.
Love what you read? Share it!
Email This Post
Connect with us!
I love that quote.
My husband and I made a pact at the beginning of parenthood that the only person who could tell us we were being a bad parent was the other parent. If it’s anyone else telling us we’re doing something wrong… we have to run it by our partner first. It isn’t a foolproof system, but it sure does help us feel like we’re on the same team and we’ve got the other’s back!
Love it Elke!
Thank you for this. As a working mother who can’t always “do it right” I so appreciate your message. I am a “good one”, something I need to tell myself more!
Oh . . . and that quote is now largely printed on the white board above my desk, for those moments when I begin to doubt myself.
Elke, I’ll be sharing your words to the mamas in Mariposa, CA.
I truly appreciate the words of wisdom, support, community & luv. After facing the most difficult transition of my life with twin girls, a 7 year old boy and a totally new community that is completely different from Missoula- well,l I’ve doubted my mothering too many times.
Thank you Kim, Jen, Marci & all kin for sharing your lives with my family and helping fill the amazing void of friends from Missoula whom we will be friends with forever.
Love it, Elke. So so true. I am thoroughly happy to have you in my circus ring. You rock.
Really? I am totally well rested and never need caffeine. My son is perfect–he loves to cuddle and read books, not run around naked and screaming with matchbox cars. My husband and I never fight, either, which sure makes things easier. Come to think of it, I think I’m a pretty perfect wife. I balance work and marriage and mothering really well. Our laundry is always done and we all eat excellently. I shower everyday, too. Did I mention how clean my car is?
Or, not.
Thanks for this piece! I love it!
Thank you for the refreshing and wise perspective. We really are our kid’s first teachers and we are all in this together, to lift each other up, listen and support, and to laugh as much as possible!
Gorgeous, only lovely! Like to observe stories of which make you feel good. It is a shame do not get more of these.That made my personal heart look…………