By Jen Slayden
I am sitting here in Eastern Montana in the cool, crisp early morning. I love the dawn. It has a way of showing possibilities and hope. Being a mother, I need all the reminders I can get of starting fresh and new. I love that just as the sun rises every morning life reminds us that even though raising kids can be difficult and trying, it is also be beautiful and rewarding.
Our original plan was just to go to Red Lodge for the Montana State Fiddle competition. When I found out my husband would be guiding a back-country trip for a week I decided to turn our little road trip into a longer one, taking more time in Billings with Grandma Slayden and in Bozeman with my parents, who we affectionately call Ma and Pa Schwa.
The ages of love……………Riley, MaSchwa, Cade, Grace, and PaSchwa
The trip started out hectic, as trips always do in our house. I used to think that when the kids got older road trips would be easier. But before we even left the house a conflict arose. “Shotgun!” claimed Grace. “That’s only in dad’s truck. I’m older and we don’t have that rule in mom’s car.” Riley stated. The argument continued when I chose to not take part….telling them if no one was bleeding they needed to work it out on their own! After a few minutes of yelling and bartering, then negotiating to borrow an ipod for the front seat (I’m sure some fine print will haunt Gracie later on), we were on our way.
When we hit Deer Lodge I began talking about a possible hike we could take. Grace said: “I forgot my shoes.” Upon further inquiry it was discovered that not only did she forget her tennis shoes in her bag, she FORGOT HER BAG! I was frustrated. Not only at her (because I reminded her several times to add the bag when I was loading the car) but at me for not double checking. It was decided that we would share some of my clothes and she would pay for ½ of whatever we needed to buy. I’m not sure what other moms would do, but I kind of felt like she needed to learn a little lesson and I didn’t want to reward her with a nice shopping trip due to her lack of responsibility! I threatened to just buy her a few moo-moos for the week. She didn’t laugh, but we laughed about it all after I got over being mad and she got over sulking and apologizing.
We had a pit stop in Bozeman where my folks had dinner ready and waiting. As we sat there eating roast beef, cooked carrots and potatoes with gravy my mom sat graciously with her container of apple sauce. She wasn’t feeling well, but she went out of her way to cook us an awesome meal. A true mother’s love never ends! After dinner I had the chance to sit down with my parents and ask them a few questions while the kids went outside and ran around before getting back in the car. I wanted to know: HOW DID THEY DO IT? I also wanted their perspective about raising tweens and teenagers now days versus raising kids nearly half a century ago.
My parents had seven children. The age span between my oldest brother and me (I’m the youngest) is ten years. The age span between my three is six years. Surely if they could manage seven I could handle three! When I asked my mom what her biggest challenge was it didn’t surprise me when her response was “keeping track of all the kids!” She also said there was never any time for her and dad to discuss things. The teenagers wanted answers NOW and there was so much chaos that they didn’t have time to think through decisions as a couple.
My dad stated his biggest challenge was getting us kids to take personal responsibility for our actions and behavior. He also recognized that each of his children were very diverse beings, and responding as a parent to channel those individual differences in a positive way was a challenge.
When we discussed what they thought was the biggest challenge facing kids today they both agreed that kids are “bombarded with electronics to the point that it is really difficult to really have an appreciation of nature.” We were always outdoors when I was growing up. I am truly grateful and couldn’t agree more. My dad felt strongly that kids are challenged to make wise choices because they see “irresponsible behavior by adults in responsible positions.”
When I asked my parents what advice they would give they had multiple answers. Here are a few of my favorites:
MaSchwa to God
“Why did you make mothers go through menopause during the teenage years? They are both in bad moods!”
MaSchwa to parents
“Don’t sweat the small stuff.” (I told her she could have been a best selling author if she had written that before it became a best-selling series of books!) “ Know the parents of your children’s friends.”
MaSchwa to kids
“Pick good friends who have similar values. The kids you hang out with are the ones you identify with.”
PaSchwa in response to raising seven kids
“Actually, I think we got by pretty easy……”
PaSchwa to parents
“Foster growth in your home in a morally responsible matter so that your children’s needs are met and they don’t have to go to other sources that may contaminate their judgment. Create an environment where they won’t be inclined to experience drugs.”
I learned a lot in this relatively short conversation. Just as the sun comes up every day, parenting challenges are ageless and wisdom from our elders is priceless.
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I love this post–great reminder to not sweat the small stuff. I can relate to going thru the teenage years while my mom was going thru menopause! Not a fun time for us and I hope it doesn’t go that way with me when my girls are teens–yikes!
My Dad’s advice “Don’t say no unless you are willing to go to the mat” (he was a wrestler in college). It’s sometimes easy to do a knee jerk “no” that further thought turns into a yes. He helped me to slow down and think it through a bit more first so I didn’t either feel a need to change no to yes (a good way to encourage the path of nagging to yes) or have to stick with a no that on reflection just made us all unhappy.
Brilliant! How fun to hear Ma and Pa Schwa’s perspective. I keep thinking about the forgotten bag–I’m pretty sure I would have been in deep trouble for that one. I think your solution makes great sense–functional, yet giving her some chance to take responsibility.
Love this post! Parents are such a wealth of information! If only we could convince our kids of that before they turn 30…