By Nici Holt Cline
“We don’t dance in our potty.”
“Why, papa?! I dance in my potty right now!”
“Because. We don’t dance in our potty.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as I overheard this conversation between my husband and my two year-old. Margot had pulled her elmo panties to her ankles in our bedroom and peed. And then danced in the urine on the hardwood floor. In a place of annoyed disbelief, all Andy could say, repeatedly, like many times, was, “we don’t dance in our potty.”
As if we have a set of Cline Family Rules like we treat others with respect, we wear bike helmets, we brush our teeth before we go to bed and we don’t dance in our potty.
I had my own We Statement the other day. I was in the kitchen, my back to my peaceful, happy children. My six month-old blissed out on the floor as her big sister read her books. And then, the heart-stopping scream. The kind of cry that was silent for the first few moments and then crescendoed in a fierce, terrifying wail. I asked Margot what happened. And she said, “I stomped on her face.” She said it as plainly as if she was saying, “I like orange shoes.” I was horrified that my sweet girl, the gentle soul who needs hugs with heartwarming regularity, did this. It was my first experience with intentional harm from one daughter to another and it broke my heart.
As I scooped my confused baby to my body all I could say was, “We don’t stomp on people’s faces.”
Of course this was followed by a sincere conversation about how that made Ruby feel, how it made me feel, why it isn’t kind to stomp of faces and what one might do when frustrated in lieu on stomping on a face. But in the heat, the anger, the sadness, the shock, “We don’t stomp on people’s faces” was all that came out.
It’s funny how instinctual the We Statements are for my husband and I as parents. They aren’t learned. They are intuitive. We Statements come from a place of desperation, of grasping for understanding where there is nothing to be understood. Trying to wrap our minds around why on earth it seems at like a good idea to do something completely counterintuitive to our adult minds. There’s nothing else to say because there’s no reasoning, no understanding…and so it just flies out. Like, it’s so simple. We don’t rub peanut butter in our armpit. We wipe snot on a handkerchief instead of our dog. We pick up blocks so mama doesn’t say swears while nearly breaking her ankle.
And until I get a different tool in my belt, the We Statements continue. We don’t dance in our potty. We don’t stomp on people’s faces. We love each other. We are trying like hell to be good parents.
A fourth generation Montanan raising a fifth, Nici Holt Cline is a mama to Margot and Ruby, wife, gardener, crafter and runner who loves to write and take photos. She writes regularly on her popular blog dig this chick. You can read “Mama Digs” every Monday exclusively at www.mamalode.com. Read more of Nici’s mamalode articles here.
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I had one of these a few months ago. “We don’t drink our pee.” He was lifting the inner potty bowl towards his face with both hands like a giant coffee mug. The good news is that my tone of voice stopped him dead in his tracks and instead he dumped all the pee in the toilet (which is why he was lifting it up in the first place). The even better news is that he’s never tried to drink it again.
What a great way to handle it! Wishing your advice would work with teenagers!
Wendy
Nici–perhaps this is a Universal Truth of the simplest, yet most profound kind…
All of us, worldwide, need to stop Dancing in our Potty…do you know what I mean? The happy, senseless “la la” we all get sucked up in…all the while not looking at our “messes”, our filth, our waste…
good post, and you have set my mind to thinking, over here in Washington.
blessings
jane
I LOVE IT…That is the funniest thing I have read in ages….My family totally uses WE sentences too…I will vow to be more careful!!! hehe
Wait until Margot says “But I DO!” in response to the We Don’t. I’m there now with Marquez. Sigh.
OH, this broke my heart as well….not my Margot Bea hurting my Ruby Jane…..I know she did not know.
I am impressed you can come up with a We Statement in lieu of a “WHAT THE F ARE YOU THINKING?” statement. Because that is, I’m pretty sure, what I’d be saying.
Which is why We (Bubba and I) are not to be parents. So glad you are, though. Nice work
I wish one year old dogs understood “we” statements. Cause then “we” wouldn’t eat poop on a walk.
LOL! The snot on the dog… still working on that one with our 4 year old grandson. Also, We don’t lick Gramma. Gramma really doesn’t like that. Followed by evil chortle, another lick, and running away really really fast.
sigh
We statements are for sure an instinctual, meaty part of (grand)parenting. And Wendy… I know, right?! Sheesh…
I laughed out loud at this!!! Kids are hilarious–they will break your heart and make it swell with joy and love all within 5 minutes.
Someday you are going to laugh your (swears) off about this one. That is a classic line from daddy, and an even more classic line for Margot!! Thanks for the humor!
I love the “We” statements as they do define what OUR particular family rules are; they are golden nuggets on their own. We also use the ol’ standby: “Kids who pick up their toys get to keep them” or “Kids who put their clothes in the hamper don’t have to scoop horse poop.” A while back our youngest gave me: “Mommies who let their kids eat a lot of candy get to scoop horse poop without being (inte)’rrupted.” If only we’d listen; we’d get so much more done!
i think that We Statements turn the situation into a teaching moment, rather than a scolding one. if you just say “Margot, don’t do that!” it sounds personal, and punitive, but with the We, you are simply sharing with her one of the customs of our culture, or your household. one you hadn’t thought to mention yet.
great column.