By Nici Holt Cline
Lately my marriage has felt a lot like our relationship did 12 years ago when I was an undergrad in Athens, Georgia and he was a ski bum in Jackson, Wyoming. And I’m not talking about the fiery sex drive of 20 year-olds. I’m talking about the two-ships-passing-in-the-night nature of dating long distance. It’s a lot like being married with two kids.
A few days ago I was all set to get stuff done. But then Ruby didn’t nap and a ton turned into zilch. So I did what any self-respecting, hell-bent mama would do. I set out to accomplish something. I bought a new computer.
I took a photo of my shiny, white MacBook with my phone and sent it to my husband. He didn’t write back. I called him and asked if he had received the picture. Yes, I did, he said. We had a Talk when he got home. He wondered why I didn’t chat with him about it first. He said surely I could understand his shock…It’s a big purchase and we don’t have a big balance in our checking account.
But this is the interesting part: I didn’t understand his shock and wonder because we had talked about it. For weeks. I need it for work. I had been chewing on the big purchase, processing it daily with my life partner and financial cohort. Wait…RIGHT?!
When Andy and I had that year apart, over a decade ago, it was really hard. It was hard because we didn’t share experiences together. We lived our lives tangentially. Our relationship existed only in daily, hour-long telephone conversations where we reported to each other on the day’s activities.
And now that we are deep in life with our two amazingly charming and hilarious daughters, it sometimes feels just like that. We are so busy with our wacky, rich world that we often get through five days when, at 9pm through sleepy eyes, over Annie’s mac and cheese with tuna, one turns to the other and says, gee, how was your week? How are YOU? And we proceed to report our activities to each other.
It takes a concerted effort to make high quality, productive time for us. To find time to grow together. To share experiences. The two people whose relationship is the foundation of this big, beautiful life we’ve built together. It’s hard in the same way it was hard all those years ago when kids were a maybe and owning a house seemed an eternity away.
The good news is we do find time. We lay spoons and go for long walks every weekend. We love each other a lot. We talk. And, even when, at the end of a conversation I think Sweet. We agree I need a computer. I will buy one tomorrow. and he thinks, Dang, she seems to really want a computer but at least we agree we can’t afford it right now., I am grateful. Because I know how this ends. We make it and thrive.
A fourth generation Montanan raising a fifth, Nici Holt Cline is a mama to Margot and Ruby, wife, gardener, crafter and runner who loves to write and take photos. She writes regularly on her popular blog dig this chick. You can read “Mama Digs” every Monday exclusively at www.mamalode.com. Read more of Nici’s mamalode articles here.
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Lost in translation…..but ends in the same language!
Fast forward about nine years, when you’re blazing out the door to register the kid for hockey *and* cub scouts, just a couple of days after the other kid has announced a desire to add a weekly youth group to skating lessons and two instruments, and the other half says, “Wait a minute. Can we do ALL of this?” Which leads to a conversation complete with tears, and a renewed effort by mommy to be all things to all people.
Phew. I can safely say we made it through a long winter of running hither and yon, and am thanking my lucky stars that cub scouts and one of the instruments are falling by the wayside next year.
I feel for you, Nici, but I know you’re going to make it through!
exactly what I needed. thank you so much for such an eloquent view on such a rough road.
Thanks for this
I sniveled my way through reading it, because with a 3 year old and a 3 week old, I have thought the same thing many times…and though I love my life and my girls more than anything else, I know there will be times when the 2 ships passing thing is going to feel really rough! He’s my best friend, so I struggle with it…but the common goals of a wonderful life for our girls is enough to make our relationship somehow endure even when there isnt always enough time to devote to it…I’m glad you have a guy who is happy to lay spoons and take walks…it means he still sees a woman and a person instead of just seeing you as a role you fulfill in his life (kids’ mom, partner in making it all work, etc.)
I’m glad you say the things we all think!