Ideas: Positive Parenting

Monday, December 28th, 2009 in Ideas, Stories

By Karin Fodness, parenting educator for Families First

Positive Parenting can mean a lot of different things, but here is one simple rule: Tell your children what you want them to do, not what you want them to stop doing. I know, this seems like common sense, but how many times have you found yourself cranky and annoyed: “How many times do I have to tell you!?! Stop that NOW!”

When I worked at Head Start, one of the teachers taught me this simple rule. She explained to me that young children often only focus on the last few words of directions. For example, if you say, “Don’t pull the cats tail,” what does your child hear? “Pull the cat’s tail.” “Don’t climb on that” becomes “Climb on that.” Stating directions in a positive way is more likely to lead a positive change. For example, “Be gentle with the kitty” is more likely to get the result you are looking for. Save words like “No!” and “Stop that!” for times of immediate danger (such as when your child runs away from you in the parking lot).

Another way to be positive is to redirect their behavior to a more acceptable context. With a few exceptions, most things children do are acceptable behaviors under certain circumstances. Are their behaviors annoying? Most likely. Unacceptable or wrong at all times? Probably not. Next time your child is jumping on the couch, writing on the wall, or playing loudly, tell your child where, when and how it would be more appropriate for them to continue. “The floor is for jumping on.” “Paper is for writing on.” “Please use your indoor voice.” Crying and whining are not so fun at the dinner table, but “You can cry and fuss as long as you need to in your room with your door shut.”

Giving children positive direction about how to express their emotions or enthusiastic play, communicates our unconditional love and acceptance. This sense of unconditional love helps nurture their self-esteem and we feel more positive about our parenting too.

Karin Fodness, LCSW is a parenting educator for Families First. Her counseling practice focuses on parenting, young children, postpartum, and family issues. She can be reached at 396-2762.