By Elke Govertsen
Isn’t it funny how the age of your children is simultaneously the best and the worst one yet? Each new stage brings its own discoveries and difficulties. Walking means the world is opening up to their exploration, and it means that you are running trying to keep up and bombproof at the same time. With talking comes access to their ideas and wishes, but you are struggling for a foot hold of control. I had a vague notion that the storm of toddler hood was brewing. I had been warned of the “terrible twos: and the dreaded “fearsome fours”, but why, I ask, had no one informed me of the relentless three-year-old?
My theory is that you rarely see three-year-olds out in the community, and so the general vernacular has never developed a term for the third year of life. I have, however, coined a phrase that seems to fit: “The Vortex of Three.” The hypothesis is that those little tri-devils are in such an unpredictable frenzy that they basically hold their parents hostage at home. Who wants to go out for dinner with a negotiating tyrant who is fighting to “do-it-myself” but yet needs you for every last detail of that meal, from cutting food, to zipping up the coat that they don’t even want to wear? No, home is both sanctuary and cage, protecting us from effort of the outside world, and sheltering it from the tyranny of our little dictator.
The most difficult part of this, and of toddler hood as a whole, is remembering two things: one) it won’t last forever, and two) this struggle is very important. Our kiddos need to learn to distance themselves from us. We want them to be healthy functioning adults someday, and this is the first step. Watching that little diaper butt doing the toddler-waddle towards the big world is both hopeful and heartbreaking. The heartbreaker is that this first step is the beginning of a road away from us. I know I should cheer and encourage this budding independence, but mostly I just want to throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming, in full tantrum mode until my child comes home.
How to let go, and yet stay connected? This is eternal struggle of parenthood. From the delivery room on, I have been both pushing and holding my son. It is little wonder that by three years we are both worn out and confused. Maybe I am as unpredictable in public as he is, and this is a good time for us to just bounce our new ideas and relationship off of each other without an audience. Perhaps this is the real reason behind the Vortex. This just might be the end of the babyhood, and we both just want to savor it a bit. Over the din of the time-outs and tantrums there is the roar of independence, for both us, calling.
Each day we answer the call. My son, by pulling away, and me by letting him go. Three is so terribly difficult, and yet, of course, my favorite so far. I know that someday, when he and I are doing everything “all by me-self”, I will look back on this time and laugh or cry, but know for sure how changed we both were by the Vortex of Three.
– Elke Govertsen
Love what you read? Share it!
Email This Post
Connect with us!
Elke, loved this piece! My relationship with Rye these days is absolutely like you describe…I remember the tug from 3 years ago as well, and always found it curious that nobody talks much about 3…my first time navigating the Vortex I thought I had a unique creature. Thanks for writing so truthfully about this age/relationship!
Elke,
you just described the last year of my life! But now our little 3 year old is four, and things have smoothed out considerably. Thanks for sharing your perspective, I like it!
Great post! Can totally relate to those three year old years. I didn’t think I would get through them 3 times, but I did!
…and you are right…it definitely needs a name of it’s own. Vortex is perfect!