Ideas: Emotional Blackmail from my 3 year old!?!

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009 in Ideas, Stories

By Karin Fodness, Families First Parent Educator

When my youngest son was 3 years old and really upset with me he would sometimes tell me, “I don’t like you anymore!” He would stand there with his hands on his hips, his brow furrowed, giving me his best impression of the “evil eye.” He would threaten to stop loving me and wait for my reaction. It took everything I had not to get the giggles (or to strangle him, depending on my mood). He could be so intense and yet so transparent, it was almost funny.

Unfortunately, my son was already trying to use one of the oldest tricks in the book: emotional blackmail.

Admit it – we have all used this handy little technique when we are trying to get our kids to do what we want. Often it is our first instinct to use a stern look, a loud voice, or maybe we’ll even stomp out of the room or try the silent treatment. Unfortunately, this technique won’t work on all kids (it only really works on kids that are highly invested in parental approval) and, in the long run, it will do more harm than good.

OK, don’t get me wrong – it is important to express our dissatisfaction and frustration to our children – to a point. It helps them learn right from wrong. However, when we rely too much on our emotional reactions to encourage compliance, we are engaging in a subtle form of emotional blackmail: Unless you do what I want, I won’t love you as much.

Karin Fodness, LCSW is a parenting educator for Families First. Her counseling practice focuses on parenting, young children, postpartum, and family issues. She can be reached at 406-396-2762.