Ideas: The Art of Encouragement

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009 in Ideas, Stories

Sara Polanchek, Families First Educator

There is a fine line between praise and what I like to call, “The Art of Encouragement.” Praise certainly has its place in parenting, but, like chocolate, too much is never a good thing. Praise comes in many forms. We give stickers when kids use the toilet to poop in instead of the floor. We say “good job” when they clean their room. We give them dessert after they eat their broccoli.

There are three major flaws when it comes to praise. One, is that it is overdone. Kids tune us out when we tell them “good job” for the gazillionth time, and they no longer get excited over a sticker.

Second, praise is not specific enough and doesn’t let our kids know EXACTLY what it is that we want more of. Instead of saying, “good job” when they clean their room, say, “you put your books back on the shelf, and you pulled up the covers on your bed!” (Big smile inserted here.)

Third, and most important, praise does not respect a child’s internal motivation. A child learns so much more if they poop in the toilet because they like feeling warm and dry rather than pooping in the toilet to get an M&M. If they start to recognize that their bodies function better when they make healthy food choices, they might start eating broccoli so they can jump higher instead of just to get that bowl of ice-cream. (OK – that connection might take awhile, but with persistence it will come.)

Don’t stop offering praise. Praise does work in the short-term, but, there are more effective methods under the umbrella of “encouragement” that will offer your child life-long skills. Most importantly, encouragement will eventually mean that your child will develop her own internal motivation for making good choices and won’t need you to be standing there with an M&M each time she poops in the toilet.

Sara Polanchek is the Parenting Programs Manager for Families First. To learn more on this topic, attend her class titled, “The Art of Encouragement” or, give her a call at Families First! (721-7690)