Why: Why have I made my home separate from the father of my children?

Friday, August 14th, 2009 in Stories, Why

By Alethea Schaus

Because my dreams told me to do so, again and again. Because the ecology of my home was compromised. Because I found that I was not so different than a mother bear, with self and cubs threatened. And because I know that, even though perceived as minimal in threat, restless and distracting energy, over time and like water dripping, will erode a home.

I moved apart with two young children because I have instructions, clear as day, from my paternal grandmother. In her death and her illness were revealed a compromise that to me can be avoided. In what I view as her internalized frustration that manifested as cancer in her pelvis, I learn a negative lesson. And I choose to make a different way for myself. I learned lessons from my parents. I recognize the cycles in families, in culture, in ecologies of all natures – and that to break a cycle takes recognition, courage and action. And often, a simple step is all it takes to rewrite an entire tale.

I am not alone in my decision, of course. My decision is in tandem with choices being made by the father of my children. I have respect for many of his choices and am confused by others. I do understand his concurrent need to exist, in addition to feeding his children. I can allow space between his and myself. I can trust his love for his children and his need to learn more about his love for himself. That is a choice that I can make.

I have made my home, a mother’s home, with plenty of room and comfort for my two children while still simple and free from clutter, tangible and intangible. It is important to me to honor this space. It will not always be necessary, this particular manifestation of spaces. We do not know what life will bring, or what we will choose in times ahead. Still, we have our choice here and now, and that is the most compelling reason of them all. Because, as Irwin Corey said, “If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going.”

Alethea Schaus wrote and drew at a table in front of a big window as a child. She still does, and is enjoying that her children are beginning to join her.