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By Jen Slayden
Before I had children I had fantasies about what parenting would be like. I didn’t look much beyond the baby phase. I had some sort of unrealistic view that children didn’t really grow up. More seasoned mothers would warn: “This is such precious time and it goes way too fast, just enjoy it”. I turned a deaf ear to their advice, because I thought it didn’t pertain to me! Like the feeling of the teenager who is invincible, my mom of tot days were immune to the reality of aging! As any of you young mothers know, when you are changing a diaper, have another baby on your breast and are buried in loads of sour laundry, life just seems to move in slow motion. It has only been in the last year, as the physical changes of my almost thirteen year old son and eleven year old daughter are staring me in the face (literally), that the realism has hit! I am bewildered and asking myself, “When did this happen”?
Emotionally, life with tweens is a challenge. I never know from one moment to the next what attitude flavor I am going to get. Sometimes it is spice, sometimes it is sour, sometimes sweet as honey, sometimes sweet and sour combined. Parenting is hard enough when you are focused on the basic necessities, discipline, and education. When parents hit the tween years, those things are important, but they are secondary. I truly believe that now, the only way I will survive, and the only way I will be a great mom, is through connection.
It seemed easier to connect when the kids were young. Naturally, they wanted to snuggle up on our laps, read books, be our shadow whenever we were in the house. It was just so organic. Even a temper tantrum left room for connection with big hugs and tearful “I’m sorry mommy” being said.
The lap days are over. We try every once in a while and I get squished! The temper tantrums? A two year old times 100! Everything is black and white, right or wrong in their mind’s eye. What used to be delight in telling mama about their day is a one word answer that the day was “fine”. When asked to give more details I am met with, “I don’t remember”. I have to be creative in my questions, and sensitive in my approach while also understanding that they need sometimes to be in disagreement with us parents to learn the important skill of conflict resolution.
The tween years present the challenge for us parents, but also for the tweens growing minds. Social acceptance, striving for independence, caught basically between childhood and adolescence can be stressful and confusing. Understanding and acknowledging those aspects as parents is very important for creating good connections. So, the important question remains? How do we connect with tweens?
Connection in every family is going to be a creative process to honor your family traditions, values, and interests. That is where the fun begins! I believe we all have tools to connect with our tweens; we just have to explore the right mix of ingredients and design the perfect recipe for success. In my family, the soup is on! Sometimes that means I will be laughed at, and not with, as I am on a daily basis when I try to be funny. They call that a “moooommmmmm jjjjjjoke”. (Insert glissando, pre-pubescent vocals here). I am pretending that the phrase is a term of endearment. Sometimes that means I have to remix, as happened when multiple scheduled chore charts were established. They worked for a while but were not sustainable. My lesson was that we, as parents, are too layed back for rigidity. If it means getting chores done or going skiing or rafting, we tend to choose the ladder. The charts may be neglected for the moment, but the family time is priceless. So we have moved to the next ingredient, the family forum, and more fluid chore charts. That seems a bit easier for all of us to swallow.
In the Tween Chronicles I will be stirring up stories that will bring you with a taste of tweenhood. I will tell you about our productive, and sometimes disastrous, family meetings, share with you as we encounter our first transition from tween to teen, take you down the Smith River on a family float trip, bring you along on one of our family band gigs, divulge some of our tips for living a simple life, confide how important but difficult discussing the birds and the bees is with tweens, and relay events that will demonstrate how incredibly humbling it is to admit “the more I learn, I more I realize I have to learn”.
I hope in the upcoming Chronicles you will find a place to compare, share, and taste the various recipes of parenting tweens. I invite you to come have a laugh, a cry, a cup of tea, or a deep breath, realizing that this is a community kitchen, and you are not alone!
Jen Slayden is a long time Missoulian who thrives in the chaos of being a mother of three while also being a Certified Life Coach, musician and educator. She enjoys writing about all of life’s little lessons on her blog, which you can find at www.bigskylifecoach.com .
In the next issue of The Tween Chronicles: The Birth of the Family Band
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- Tween Chronicles: School of the Wild
- Tween Chronicles: Facing the Music
- Tween Chronicles: Betweenie
- Tween Chronicles: From dimples to pimples
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Nice intro Jen, but just remember, my neice and nefew would NEVER act anything other than perfect! Ha!
I am looking forward to the chronicles!! Good luck! I empathize with the fun of the tween years!!
Wow! There’s a lot of information to digest about parenting in the future, huh? Well, I’m ready…almost. Okay, not really. With our oldest only 7, I can relate to your “mom of tot days” still. But I’m slowly beginning to see that my babies aren’t actually babies anymore…not technically anyway. So, bring on the advice, the adventure and the humor. As always, I’m positive you’ll lead all of us through a wonderful tour where none of us want to go but can’t find the detour to avoid it either!
Hugs,
Lina
Jenny, you must be living in MY household!! Let the games begin, We will survive!!
I can’t wait to hear more! I am so glad to see this on Mamalode!
Having two 3 year olds is literally the most challenging thing that has happened to me thus far in my 45 years of life….Im glad to have these words of wisdom to guide me and hopefully get me thru to to tween years. Jen you are an inspiration….I will cherish these years, and with guidance from friends and family make it through to tomorrow!!!
Great writing! I’m looking forward to reading more of your chronicles, Jen, but can’t say I’m looking forward to the “tween years”! I’ll be following closely….:)
Oh – I am so happy for this. With a 12 year old (13 in 1 month!) this is just what I need. I find myself obsessed with people with babies as a I grieve my girl”s lost babiness. Tweens are a whole new dimension and challenge. Thank you!
Thank you for giving a voice to this phase of parenting. Looking forward to hearing your stories, wisdom and humor as you creatively engage this rich time in your life. Having my own tweener, I can honestly say, bring it on!
Looking forward to your insights, Jen! Every parenting stage certainly has its challenges and its rewards…
I hear you!! It’s during the teenage years I had to adjust. I ended up writing a book called, HOW TO BE A ZEN MAMA, just to help me adjust and it was just published this September. I’m a preschool teacher and am so thankful that I can spend time with young kids and don’t end missing my own children when they were the same age. I look forward to reading through your blog!
Jen, your writing is enlightening and honest and humorous! It always helps me keep things in perspective and feel like I’m not alone. Thank you!