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By Nici Holt Cline
Today I have been on this planet for 32 years. More than a new year, my birth day pushes me to look at the last year’s accomplishments and struggles, to set resolutions. This last year has been the biggest, fullest, hardest and most satisfying year of my life.
I didn’t know it but I was actually pregnant on my birthday last year. My due date was bumped up an entire month when I was 20 weeks, er, 24 weeks along. It threw us a bit to get pregnant so quickly, as in it only takes once.
Watching my belly grow so fast, an inescapable reminder of imminent big change, pushed our family to make some major decisions. We decided I’d leave my job of seven years. We decided Andy would have $10,000 in mouth surgeries in an effort to finally fix the damage from an eighth grade bike wreck. I dug a bit deeper into writing and making. Andy is in his final year of his four-year electrical apprentice program, working full-time, studying, taking tests. I threw my entirety into my work at the museum, giving it my best self, wanting to leave a legacy I could be proud of.
Andy had his first major solo art exhibit. I grew a human.
It all happened so fast, piled on top of our already-full life where we make time to create, eat well, get up in the mountains. And then we met Ruby on a crisp, quiet Monday in November and she gave us tunnel vision. The colorful, fast-paced swirl of activity slowed and came into focus. The months of speed workouts, long runs, rest and icing those aching muscles culminated in a successful marathon. I was tired and perfect.
When Ruby was hospitalized for 12 days, her life supported by machines, it all felt so unfair. We had trained, we were prepared. We never ever imagined we’d be considering life without her. It was hard. It sucked some innocence from my family and it wedged a seemingly insurmountable pile of shit between Andy and me. One never knows how they’ll respond to trauma. I didn’t recognize myself. I was so sad, crazy with fear and pain.
Ruby came home healthy and, now just this side of that trauma, life is unfolding beautifully. Meaning, the hard stuff is finding time for dates with my husband and trying to get Margot eat anything other than oatmeal, pancakes and noodles.
While I’d never wish for the experience we had with Ruby, it sure made me really certain of my goals and priorities. I am really fortunate, rich in all the things I dreamed about as a teenager when the thirties seemed so old.. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I am present. I can forgive myself. My life is abundant in honest, positive and nourishing relationships. I am in love. I am 32 and I can’t wait to see what I learn this year.
Nici Holt Cline is a fourth generation Montanan working on raising a fifth. You can read “Mama Digs” every Monday exclusively at www.mamalode.com. Nici also writes regularly at dig this chick, a blog about gardening with Montana, growing with two wondrous kids, cooking with impulsive whimsy, sewing with naive courage and some other important observations. Read more of Nici’s mamalode articles here
Thirty two never looked so good!
I feel teary. What beautiful written words of a life well lived. a birthday well apreciated and celebrated. lovely.
Nici
Loved this column! and your Dig This Chick photos this week of you and your girls. Have you tried to sell any of your photos? You definitely should consider it.
I will share your idea of making birthday lists with my daughters (37, 34 and 30) and will do so myself. Hopefully your daughters will follow suit as well.
Another thing we’ve enjoyed doing, even with grandkids now, is keeping a book diary.
So happy that Ruby is doing so well and you’re all getting over the trauma.
Jeanne
Beautiful! Happy Birthday! …..and in ten years you will think that 42 is SO YOUNG:) That’s where I am heading in a few months. Enjoy this time, it is wonderful!
Beautiful….. I learn from you…
Happy to hear you’re all doing well. Miss seeing the family on a regular basis! Happy Birthday!